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Sep. 26th, 2012

n a o m i : Snow

(no subject)

You don't know how you betrayed me.

Aug. 22nd, 2012

n a o m i : Snow

(no subject)

Margie got her first interview for Halloween City today. She is already set for a second, and should know about the job by Friday. If she gets her Managment gig again, I will for sure have the lwoer Managment position. If anything, even as an associate at HC . . . I make more in my 3-4 months there then in a year at Hot Topic . . .

So I am praying this goes well. I need the job bad.

Aug. 20th, 2012

n a o m i : Snow

(no subject)

. My health is horrible. I am on 60 > 40 > 20 > 10 MG of Prednisone over time. It has forced my weight back up over 165lbs, I'm retaining mass water, thinned my bones out, weakened my joints, has me pissing 3 times an hour - constantly up and down to do it.

. I am also back on Hydroxyzine [H1 Blocker] and Pepcid [H2 Blocker]. It leaves me very weak and tired all the time - functioning is a battle all day every day.

. My hair is falling out like it's no ones business, and while my skin in manageable . . . It's at a high cost.

. My medical bills and debt are insane. And I was rejected for Medicaid . . . We are trying again, but I might have to find the funds to go thru the Clinic for my mental state and get some form of partial disability.

. My job gives me maybe 4-5 hours in a week. All associates are at about 5 - 10 hours. Yet, somehow, they are hiring on 2 more people. It means at least one person has to be fired - and I have a feeling it might be me. There is a lot of favoritism, and I know I am not one of the most popular between my Boss and the other girls.

. With those hours, I make around $50 every 2 weeks. I get by still working my online work but - even that is wobbly, and sometimes I make so little I can't even pay a months phone bill let alone eat. . .

. I obviously am stuck living at my parents. It's driving me mad. I love my family, but we do not do each other well most of the time. My mother has been "unwell" most of my life - and my sister all of hers. I always felt unable to be sick or weak, because they are so often. It has me at a breaking point since I have not been given any help.

. I can't afford a car. So I am stuck relying on other people at all times, which in itself is causing me insane stress. . . Most of all because there is no one reliable and I often am screwed.

. My best friend moved away. I have not been the same since the loss of Emil. I don't have the drive to enjoy my nights anymore.

. I have taken notice I have been allowing myself to get drunk more often. 1-2 times a week. I have done some stupid things during, as well. And they are not helping me. [ Thankfully I caught this. ]

Life is crappy. I hate being negative but . . . It all is.

Aug. 9th, 2012

n a o m i : Transmission

(no subject)

Aug 7.

Rushed to E.R. during a bad flare up. I was in such pain I was balled up shaking, and almost hyperventilating I could barely breath. Obviously I was taken in right away to a bed after vitals were taken. . . I laid in the bed squirming and crying for nearly an hour before a nurse came in to see me. Thank god it was Beau, he knows me and my situation. He went to get the things they would need for me . . . When the Doctor came in a good while later? All he did was shout an order and leave. No questions, no speaking to me . . . I was so frustrated to tears, Beau went and asked him to go back in and speak to me.

The Doctor refused to treat me the way I always am treated to be stabilized. Usually, they start a line [I.V.], dose me with a high amount of Benadryl and a few MG of Diladid for pain, as well as a high dose of my steroid to kick start healing. He pretty much gave me some allergy meds and then mass dosed me with a med that turned me into a drunken sleeping mess. I couldn't sit up, speak, etc for hours from it. My mum got there and thru a fit - as a Nurse she knew what the did was shut me up.

We were discharged with a prescription for 3 fuckin steroid pills, and a few Dliadid which . . . He gave the paper for but never signed so could not be filled.

Aug 8 .

I attempted to rest then go to work. At work though, by 7:40 I had run into the back to vomit. They called me off schedule and my mum ran over to get me. Back to the Hospital I go . . .

Lobby was a short wait, a bed a short wait since they were full. But then I laid in the bed over 2 hours without even a Nurse coming in for my vitals again. . . By the time someone did, I knew I was in for something I didn't like. This "nurse practitioner" came in to lecture me. I mean, really go at me. That I should be seeing a specialist at all times, I should have my own doctor, blah blah . . . As if I had the money for that, I wouldn't? If I had medical aid, wouldn't I take better care of me? Fuck . . .

She began to belittle me and humiliate me in front of my mother who was jaw dropped. She even questioned where I got money for my lil eCig or to drink. And when she left the room, my mother followed behind to speak to her only to find she went and was judging me towards other nurses. . . They got in a verbal fight, my mum cried. and this bitch called security on my mother - though nothing happened. but MY Doctor, the kind heart she is, saw some of the fight. So she came right into my room to see wht was up.

I cried. I felt like for two nights no one believed my pain, and no one would help me. I felt like they might think I was there fishing for pain killers - but if so why would I bring my dad one night and mum another? They would sit there and help me be a druggie? Come on.

My Doctor finally ordered the right rituals for me. But then the next issue . . .

It took 5 nurses in my room to try and find a vein to start a line. The first woman to try went into my wrist, which I know stings I have had before but . . . This? I can't explain the pain. I was screaming for her to stop and crying out and biting into my blanket. I NEVER make sounds over needles ever. She stormed out like I was doing it on purpose. . . The second guy just blinded it in, see-sawed the needle around til FINALLY they listened to me and got the guy I know who got the top of my hand in seconds. [I have thick tough skin from my condition which because it is dry, loses vein color so I am a super rare hard stick. It takes a pro.]

Once they dosed me right I was out cold from comfort and the past days of insomnia. I slept a lot, and was given three doses of pain killers over the hours there to keep me comfortable while the steroids worked and labs went out, as I had some lower body pain. Ultra sounds were fine. Labs fine for the most part. It was just a random skin flare up in the end.

I have steroids again til I see my specialists much further away from here and go into more medical debt . . .

And some Pain Killers for my showers.

Lets hope I stay stable a while.

Jul. 16th, 2012

n a o m i : Drip

(no subject)



Emil is moving away to Texas shortly, end of the month. I think even before my birthday.
At first it didn't bother me when he spoke about his leaving, but now that it is real . . .

Well my heart is really aching. He is no matter what, my best friend.
We have gone through s a lot of Hell and a lot of great times to get here.
And I just don't know how I will manage to be OK the day he is gone.

We managed to heal and to grow from our past.
We managed to get over things, to forgive, and to cherish what good was between us.
No other friend will ever mean as much to me as Emil always has.

Jul. 3rd, 2012

n a o m i : Finger Nip

(no subject)

Teardrops feel heavy tonight.

Jun. 18th, 2012

n a o m i : Finger Nip

(no subject)

I'll never understand it all.

I spend my life being good to people.
I go out of my way, even for the most distant stranger.
Eh, why go into this all again . . . Either way.
I am left confused. I don't EXPECT anything in return;
but I don't understand the constant trials.

I'm not worse off then many others, I don't think that.
I don't mean to sound woe-as-me, though on my own blog I assume it's acceptable.
Life is hard for me, though, in it's own way.

My depressions are . . .beyond words of description.
It's to the point I am buckling, and going for help.
I can't keep myself in check anymore.
The anger and then the tears, they are too constant,
too severe and too damaging.

Work is horrible. If I get a shift a week I am lucky, 4 hours or so.
Some weeks I get up to 9 , , , Others, no shifts at all.
I can't live off the $7.31/hr with those types of hours.
And Hot Topic will fire me if I take on another job, like Halloween City.
Which I worked last year for months in and made a killing in.
So I will go back and I will tell HT to fuck off. . .

My parents barely get by, and I can't help anymore because . . .
I barely get by myself. Often I have to get extensions on my bills.
And I only pay a couple . . .

And top it off? I had for months finally been seeing a good, nice boy.
. . . His ex in the picture now, causing Hell.
He feels unready for a relationship, doesn't want this drama on me so. . .
Dumped.

And I was finally happy with another human being . . .

May. 25th, 2012

n a o m i : Snow

(no subject)



May. 22nd, 2012

n a o m i : Sext

(no subject)



May. 17th, 2012

n a o m i : Snow

(no subject)

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n a o m i : Snow

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